


deep dive

by Anonymous



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Depression, Heavy Angst, M/M, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Notes, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:21:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27924454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: There was a constant battle in his head, one that he cannot escape.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17
Collections: Anonymous





	deep dive

**Author's Note:**

> yes this is a cry for help but since idk how to ask for help i did what i do best. i wrote about it through a character, like the coward that i am.
> 
> enjoy the story tho

Failure, that is all Renjun is. No matter what he does, no matter what he says, it's never enough. 

He always wanted to kill himself. He never once stopped. And no one ever noticed. It's like he was such a good liar that no one ever thought he would be the type to have these dark ideas that ruined his life each day.

Those dark thoughts, Renjun had a lot of them. Sometimes it was simply _"What if I drank a whole bottle tonight?"_ but other days it was darker, like _"What if I crashed the car right now?"_ or _"Take those pills, take them, take them and end it all."_

There was a constant battle in his head, one that he cannot escape.

He started drinking when he was thirteen. His father was asleep downstairs, dead drunk with a lit cigarette sitting in its ashtray, his mother was at work like always. So he sat down on his bed, bottle of whiskey in his hands and suddenly all his pain was gone. His addiction started from there, he was drinking almost every day, sometimes mixing that liquid with pills or cigarettes. 

The pills started at fourteen when he started a new year at a new school where he knew no one. Renjun was so nervous that he had the most painful stomachache, soon followed by a strong headache. So his mother gave him painkillers to soothe the pain. It worked fine. Until he started taking them every single day in an attempt to soothe another type of pain. It wasn't only painkillers though, Renjun took almost anything he could put his hands on, whatever to make him feel like the world wasn't real.

He is now twenty, almost twenty one. He knows he won't make it to twenty one though.

Failure, that's what he is and will always be. A failure, his parents calls him. A waste of time, a teenage error, the _shame of the family._

He was too fat, too short, too ugly, too bad at school, too this, too that. Whatever he did, he was criticized for it. All he heard every damn day was how useless he was. He never heard them say _I love you_ or even hug him, it was always harsh words and fists. Renjun never understood affection, love, or anything remotely positive, because he never saw it happen in his house.

His parents never took him seriously, they never believed he was truly depressed. For them it was just an act for attention. The times he ended up at the hospital after yet another attempt, his parents never cried, they were always mad at him for wasting their time for something so _childish_.

Renjun remembers one day, when his mother told him to _"try harder next time"_ , the word stung badly, they left him crying for weeks, those words were stuck in his head and never really left. 

His parents never cared. In fact, it seemed like they were pushing him to do it, to end it.

He understand though, he wasn't the perfect child they wanted him to be. He wasn't good at anything, he wasn't that cute, no one really loved him. He had only a few friends, Donghyuck was one of them.

There was so much to say about Renjun and his miserable life but he doesn't think it's worth telling all of it. No one cares anyways. They never did.

Renjun stands over the edge of the bridge. He can hear the waves crashing against the rocks, and it feels comforting. The air is ice cold, but the numbness comforts him more than warmth with the way he feels.

He looks over the edge, the blue waves are dark and menacing, the moon in the sky reflecting in the waters as the cold wind makes him shudder. But that's what he wanted. Right?

What happened to him that is so bad that he must let go?

The air is cold.

The water was almost hypnotizing, loud and moving rapidly. He thought about the sensation of being submerged in the ice cold water, the way it would fill his lungs quickly, the pain that would come from that sensation.

Renjun found himself taking an unconscious step forward, stepping over the edge. It was mesmerizing. Relaxing even. The wind rushes past his ears, but it is too late.

In all honesty, he did not want to die, he only wanted to be free. Free from all these thoughts that were eating him up alive, free from the past, free from anything that was wrecking him and hurt him.

He closes his eyes, and forces his body to walk onwards. To jump and get deep down into the cold waters that would be the last thing he would see and feel. It wasn't a bad view.

If only his mind wasn't so sick and twisted.

It took Donghyuck seven days to finally open Renjun's last note. The only one he wrote.

_"The words I’m saying right now, they’ll probably make you hate me forever. You, saying that I’m not the same as I used to be is not completely untrue. I don’t know why I am like this. This night is so lonely, I don't feel like myself anymore but everyone falls apart at least once, right? I don't think I can handle it, I don't know how to handle it. I'll miss you._

_Until the day we meet again,_

_Goodbye._

_R"_


End file.
